hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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