My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
