do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
