Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
