my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize