there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
