i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
