The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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