I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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