Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
