Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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