can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
