I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
