she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
