please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
