I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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