On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
