I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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