my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
