Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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