i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
