Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
