You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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