Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
