would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You ruined the universe
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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