he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Your penis caused this!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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