She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
