I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
