On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
