John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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