Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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