god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
