I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
