there's paper in my vomit.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
