oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
