I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
