So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
