i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
