You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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