the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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