my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
