yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
