...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
