Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
