You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
