Plan B is the new Plan A
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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