oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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