woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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