god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
