I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My ass is underappreciated
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
