would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
